I'm so sad today :( I realised that I've no friends. It's not like I've no friends, it's just I've no friends whom can bare our hearts to each other.

Usually we rank our friends on a scale like best friends, good friends, friends and acquaintances. Usually we only tell our best friend(s) the things which we wouldn't even tell to anyone else. And good friends are those we often hang out with but do not really tell them everything and anything. Friends are people whom we have more things to talk to and be around with than with acquaintances whom are usually those "hi bye" friends. But I wonder, what does "friend" even meant.

According to the given scale, this would meant that all of my friends are stuck in the "good friend" stages. Most of them I don't even tell all of my problems to, and mutually, I don't think they had told me everything. (I mean how do I even know that they shared everything and didn't share smth with me? Unless I heard smth from others which she shared to others rather than to me. LOL. This is confusing.) I think I'm more of a person who will keep things to themselves rather than to share it with others. Mayb it's the issue of trust again, but rather, why would I go share my problems and burden the other person? Sure, they might say that tht's not a burden and best friends should share everything and sharing makes you feel much better. But no, I feel that by sharing my problems I feel insecure, felt like being judged and felt like a trouble. It's just me, right? How can I trust someone else for not judging when everyone have different values and thoughts and views on certain matter? Maybe by sharing they can provide me with a better perspective and stand towards the matter. But, I'll still feel weird. URGH, so it's just me. And I think I'm rather stubborn, unreceptive to opinions. I need to change me. omg.

But anyway, this is gna be a meaningless post again, since I don't really know what's my point to this. Just that I wna get this off my mind and chest ASAP. To me, I feel that friendship is a mutual thing, or more like a trade? When one tells you smth, won't you feel the need to tell them smth about yrself in return? (Maybe it's just me again.) So when one doesn't tell me anth, I wun tell them anth either. But the reverse may not be true too, like when they tell me smth it doesn't necessarily meant that I'll tell them smth. (HAHA, I just contradicted myself.) Well, it depends on who you are and my mood for the day. HAHAHAHA. But wellllllll. I always felt like my friends will think that I have a bigmouth and not tell me things that they will tell others. (yes, literally and not really literally. punnish right?) Not that I'm in any position to say this of myself, but i really feel that I won't tell people anth. (If I promised you not to say, I think 98% I won't say. If I didn't promise you, then sorry no guarantee. HAHAHA) But anw, I always get this feeling that I'm untrustworthy, and I don't know why. Mayb it's just my imagination, but well, all that said, I'm always the last to get hold of any news or stuff. It's not that I always minded it, just that sometimes I feel kinda sad? Like realllyyyy? Why am I always the last? Maybe it's cos I'm too engross in my own idol world to be caring about what's happening around me or perhaps, it's cos of the former reason - I'm just simply not trustworthy enough. It's kind of sad that you're not being trusted by others, so of course I won't trust you if you don't trust me. I mean isn't that mutual? Plus I'm not those people that will just let it be, I'll take "revenge". (to put it in a nastier way.)

It's like I want friends who don't hide anth from me, but I guess it's really impossible. I mean, even if someone expect that from me I doubt I can do it too. Everybody will have their own dark secrets and stuff right? The point is that, I hope that if you do have anth, I would prefer hearing them from your mouth rather than through other people, no matter how long it'll take for you to tell me. Hearing other people things from other people's mouth seemed as though we're just totally not close. It's like I'm not even worthy of knowing your life so far. Hence, I usually will ask about other people's lives only when they are not that close to me. (or in some cases, I'll ask through others cos I percieve others to be closer than you than to me. Maybe cos we too long nv talk to each other or stuff den abit awkward.) But usually if you're quite close to me, I'll usually prefer to ask you directly. Yesyes, you may seem that I'm being a kaypo, but to put it nicely isn't that concern? I still want to keep in touch with you and know what's up in your life. I don't want to be out of your life, neither do I want you to be out of mine. Okay, I mean it'll be too much to ask of anyone to tell me EVERYTHING, but HEY! At least tell me major events in your life like I GOT A BF (yes, make me jealous) or I BROKE UP (not that I'll be gloating over it, maybee.) or I GOT ALL As IN UNI or I GOING OVERSEAS etc. Most of the time I won't be telling alot of people about stuff so you shld ask me. HAHAHA. If I didnt answer your questions meant that it's too private and I felt like I can't really tell anyone about it or stuff. (Yes, esp about my family. I rarely talk to anyone about it, so please don't ask unless I tell you so myself.) I mean of cos there are some things that are extremely sensitive and some sides which you reallyreallyreally don't want to show anyone.

nonono, the point of this blogpost isn't to blame my friends or to force my friends to tell me everything (or maybe it is, subconciously). Neither issit telling you that if I didn't tell you anth means that I'm taking revenge on you or smth (Or maybe it is.) But the main point is that perhaps my expectations of a "friend" is too high and too impossible till the point that I don't even know what does it mean anymore. Yesyes, I'll try to change my bloody stubborn attitude and stuff. I'll try to be more accepting towards people have many different cliques and not just one friend which is me. OMG WHY AM I SO EGOCENTRIC. But welllll. Maybe I'm forever stuck in the adolescent phase. LOL.

Ohwellllllll. I can't blame anyone here except for myself I guess? Maybe the problem really lies in me. Sometimes I felt too possesive. Like my friends should just stick with me. Or mayb I just like you guys too much. Sometimes they hang out with someone other than me I'll feel sad/jelly. Like you guys are just gna get out of my life forever and ever cos you'll realise that I'm too boring. LOL. (which I think I am.) Plus I don't really like changes. I usually want to stick with the same group of people for awhile, so I need time to adapt to changes. Changes are not necessarily bad, but my amygdala tell me tht it's threatening. So I'll usually need some time for change in my attitude. Sigh. Plus I don't know what to do to make myself seem a better friend for people to trust and rely on me too. I guess thr's no definite answer to all these questions.

Ohman, after typing out all these words on top I feel so childish. Like I can't mature and like take things in my stride or whatever. I'm like some complain queen. HAHAHA. WHEN CAN I MATURE?! OMG. too bad, this is me. HAHAHAHAHA. Sometimes I can't even understand myself too.

But all in all, still want to thank all my friends whom still regard me as friends and not someone in their past. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I'll try hard to be a good friend, though there's no formula to it.
Thank you guys for standing my nonsensical thoughts and outbursts of fangirl-ness. Thank you guys for putting up with my stubborn thoughts and attitudes and temper. Thank you guys for going out with me even though I'm good at nothing and totally boring. Thank you guys for standing my egoness. Thank you guys for keeping me in your lives and regard me as friends. Thank you guys for still putting in the effort to talk to me and stuffffff. Thank you guys for accepting me as who I am (even if you don't accept also nvm.) Thank you guys and sorry for always last minute pangseh-ing you. HAHAHAHHAA. Thank you guys for always letting me win in arguments and stuff. Thank you guys for encouraging me and damn you for suanning me but still love you guys. ^^ Too much thank yous, just thank you for doing everything and anything to maintain this friendship of ours.

okay then, HAPPY HOLIDAYS :)