I've been thinking lately. Or rather, alot of small things that have been happening arnd me got me thinking lately. Have been on an emotional rollercoaster for the past dno hw many days and I think it'll continue, idk, forever? Maybe not forever, if either till I change my own thinking or maybe I'll learn hw to get hold of my emotions. But for now, it seems like it'll go on till forever.

Had a dream recently, which all of my friends, or rather, ex-friends appeared inside. All those ex-friends of mine were kinda close or some were important to me at tht point of time. Not tht they aren't important to me now, but I guess both parties are not important to each other now. They just disappeared from my life ever since. We've lost contact and I don't really noe why. Those friends I know, became those friends I knew. And actually I'm kinda sad. I want to keep in contact w them, but part of me don't want to 'cos it'll be awkward. And i dun like to be awkward arnd ppl. Sigh. So I decided to continue this way. I don't know how we lost contact w each other, but I guess we just stop talking/smsing then drift apart and stuff. Sigh. I guess alot of friendship of mine turned out this way. And I can't do anth abt it. Of cos I can do smth abt it, but I just can't. I don't know issit cos of my pride or wht, but I'm just unwilling to make th first move. I'll feel embarrassed. Of cos friendships are worth more than my pride or whtever, but I just can't. I don't know why. Or mayb I know why, but I just diedie also dun wna admit it. Then I stalk, or rather see their lives thru social media platforms like FB, twitter, blogs etc. And whever I does tht, when I see their posted pics w their friends and stuff, makes me kinda jealous inside. Envy? Jealous? I don't know. Maybe both. I'll be thinking why ain't I included? Mayb I'm not their friend and stuff. Then I get jealous, and angry and angsty, then I start to question myself why am I like that? Why don't I put in more effort in maintaining the friendship we had? But it is too late to do anth abt it. So I'll just feel hopeless and just continue to look and catch on w their lives thru such platforms.

Till now I do tht too. And I started to think alot. Like recently lots of stuff kept popping in my mind and I wanted to tell sumone about it. But I can't seem to find tht someone. It's like I can't tell someone how I really feel without fearing being judged by tht someone. Neither do I need someone who just provide me with the lipservice. I don't want anyone judging me like helloo its so trivial and stuff, but really hearing me out and feeling me, and understands me. But i doubt tht someone really exist, it's like how can someone really understands you? No one can. But at least tht someone can hear me out without me feeling restrained inside. Like recently I went to watched WICKED alone. It's time like this I feel so alone. I know it's last min and stuff, but how I really hope thr's this someone who is willing to crash all their plans to accompany me, but tht someone really don't exist. (btw, even tho I watched WICKED alone it was still awesome and i didn't regret gg to catch it alone ^^) Yea, but I guess tht someone really does exist for some people. For eg, like my sis, she have a great friend who she still contact ever since primary sch and she can bare her heart to her. I'm envious, and jealous. How I wish I have such friend too. No need too many, just one wld do. But, tht someone doesn't apply to me.

Maybe the problem lies with me. It's cos I can't bare my heart out to anyone. Maybe some, but I still will have my own reservations. I don't like sharing too personal stuff w people. I'll feel v vulnerable. And I'll feel tht I'm being judged in every way. When I'm angry, I don't like people to know wht I'm feeling/thinking right now, cos it's all so ugly. I'll feel like I'm th bad guy. I don't like it. I think I'm kinda antisocial too. I don't like to go out in big groups, cos I'll feel uncomfortable, or rather, I'll feel left out. Mayb cos I'm a LEO, I'm quite an attention seeker, secretly. (recently found out this fact) So when the conversation within big groups get carried away and I feel like I've nth to contribute abt, I'll just switch off and stuff. Tht's why I don't like it. I like gg out w either 1/2 ppl or maybe small groups like 5-6 is fine. But I still like gg out one on one. I feel like I can tell the person everything and really enjoy every moments (although I might get worried if the situation turns alil bit awkward sometimes) Tht's why I always avoid outings like class outings or class chalet. I'll feel unwanted/unneeded. Although tht might not be true, but that feeling of uneasiness and being left out will just grow inside my heart. I think I'm a loner too. I'd rather stay at home whole day rot and do nth than to go out to bathe in the sunshine. Only occasionally I does tht. I'm lazy to dress up and I'll feel pressurized when I'm ask to constantly take picture when going out w friends. Don't these just come naturally? But not for me. Only sometimes I feel like taking pics to keep for remembrance sake. When I go out w friends too much, I'll start to feel inferior. I don't know why, but all of a sudden I'll feel like they're totally out of my league hence I'll start to feel uncomfortable arnd them and I just can't be my true self arnd them. I'm scared that I can't meet up with my friend's expectations. Like in situations which they expect me to be funny, I just cun perform. (okay, mayb I was the one who think that they are anticipating some interesting stuff from me when actually they are not.) Sigh. Thr's too much problem with me that I can't seem to change/correct it overnight. Too much.

I think I'm weird too. When I go out w certain people too often sometimes, I'll just get sick of it and decided not to be with them too close. Then I'll switch to other friends. I don't know how to phrase it in a nicer way, but it's the truth. It's something which I find it hard to come to with. And I don't want to admit it, but it's true. I know it's bad, like friends are not something which you want then come dun want then throw them away. I know. But it's just me. I can't help it. Mayb i can, but not in the short term. Mayb it's cos I don't want to be too close, I'll feel... weird. I don't know hw to describe it. It's just tht kind of feeling.

Then when I drift apart w tht group of friends and I start to see them gg out w/o me. I'll feel angry and hurt. But I know it's my fault too. So I can't do anth about it. cause I was the one who let that happened. That's why I can understand that I can't have any long lasting friendship w anyone. That's why I don't really believe in foreverfriends. Maybe it's true, but it's not applicable to me. But for that split moment, I believed in it. Maybe it's cos one party tries, and suddenly stopped trying at all.

And I think I'm the other party who dun even try at all. Everyone get sick of trying after awhile, don't they?That's why i think it's hard to maintain a friendship w me. And I agree with it too. I won't and don't (only rarely) take the initiative to ask someone out till they invite me to.

And I'm someone who will get awkward around friends whom I've never talk/meetup with for very long. I'll feel at loss about wht to say and how to act infront of you. 'cos I'm afraid tht you'll find me too different from the past me and start to hate me and stuff. I think I care too much about what others think of me, but I'm not confident enulf to ignore how others judge me.

To be frank here, I've read my friends blog like HY's and reading posts about her gg out w HE really makes me kinda upset. They're both my friends and I guess it's normal for friends to go out. but I'll be all jelly inside of me like why nv ask me also? like aren't we a group last time toooo? Plus we've nt seen each other for so long. I know I sound possessive, but mayb deep down inside I am too? Other than that, I'm more afraid of losing friends. 'Cos I can alrdy feel that we're so distant. I'm afraid that being even more distant will just end up not contacting at all.

Thr's some friends whom you've lost touch with for so long and one fine day you meet them down the streets, yet you are able to chat up with them like friends whom you've just met up w ysd. I want to have such friends too. No matter how long the time has passed, I also want to have conversation with you and still can behave like best friends/longlost friends instead of strangers. I want to. But I doubt thr is.

I think the key to friendships are: trust, honest, never stop trying and to be natural around people. Being natural around people makes them feel natural around you, hence mre inclined to share things and thoughts w you, and naturally everything will just fall in place.
But I'm lacking them all,
It's all 'cos I'm kinda socially awkward. Sigh.

I think I need to have a talk with myself soon. I've been thinking so hard. I need to understand myself more. I sound so self-centered, i know. Sigh. I really can't figure all these out. I wonder why am I thinking so hard. It's because I really care.


Didn't know tht I typed quite a lengthy post and it just sounded like I'm having a conversation with myself. And I think I've been doing lots of these recently.


P.S BEEN WATCHING ROOFTOP PRINCE AND THE RECENT EPISODE 12 IS SOOOOOO BITTERSWEET MAD LOVE THIS SHOW. I THINK THIS SHOW IS GNA BE IN THE SAME LIST AS GOONG, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I'VE REWATCHED IT IT'S STILL MAD AWESOME AND IT'LL NEVER FAIL TO STIR MY FEELINGSSSSS. AND CAUSE OF THE ENDING OF EPI 12 OF ROOFTOP PRINCE I CAN'T EVEN WATCH MY TEGOMASSU DVD COS I DON'T WANT TO CRY AFTER SUCH FEELINGS HAVE FILLED MY HEART. GNA POSTPONE MY DVD WATCHING TILL TMR! AND YES, I'VE BOUGHT MY TEGOMASSU 3RD LIVE DVD LIMITED EDITION ITS IN MY HAND NOW. MUAHAHHAHHAA. I KNOW NO ONE REALLY CARES BUT I'M STILL HAPPY! ^^